Day 261: Items Purchased:0, Temptation Radar:0
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Wednesday. The day of the near nervous breakdown. I failed a re-certification test for work, due to a series of unfortunate computer glitches. More pressure than I could handle. Fear began to grip me. Most importantly,
Staring at those 7 letters makes my skin crawl, because it is perhaps a phrase that scares me more than any other.
The dictionary tells me that to fail means: To fall short of success or achievement in something expected, attempted, desired or approved; to prove of no use or help to; unsuccessful in performance or completion.
Fall Short. No use. Unsuccessful. Scary.
Thus was the beginning of a severe nerve rattling – a war on the inside, between the good enough version and never measure up version of myself. Waves of despair began to swell as I let my mind go to places it should not. This, my friends, is what anxiety will do if left unopposed.
I sent a series of disturbing text messages to my husband, who so kindly talked me off the cliff. He always does. He’s good like that.
When I was able to regain my composure, I remembered something very important: to fail is active and actionable, but so is conquering. Overcoming thoughts of despair with words of truth is the most aggressive opposition we can thrust toward the fear and anxiety that lays wait to choke our life and confidence. Anxiety creeps in, like an unmerciful bully, when we are in a weak moment, or a place of uneasiness, doubt and vulnerability. It’s like an animal in the way it can sense fear. Anxiety will try to shut you down. Paralyzed. Hopeless.
Truth hears nothing of the sort, for it knows beyond a shadow of doubt that its sole purpose– its absolute mission– is to free the bound and broken; to release the captive, to minister life.
Truth knows the depth of the real and good, the kindness and potential that hides in every person behind the shadow of their oppressing opponent.
Truth comes so we can live.
Things are not always as they seem. Truth reminds us of that. It reminds us that out of our weakness, strength can arise if we are cooperative with instruction and the process. To behold truth is the beginning of growth, the essence of wisdom, the power to free us and the strength to break chains that would hope to maintain the captivity of our soul.
So, I took a deep breath, received a word of encouragement. I listened to truth and realized I must get back to conquering.