I Have No Idea.

Day 258: Items Purchased:0,  Items:0

Sunday, September 18,2011

I’m having one of those days where I’d like to sell everything I have, move to foreign land, go into a deep sleep and experience some kind of spiritual awakening. Weird? Yes. I know. The daily tug-0f-war between dreams&desire and my cynical pragmatic side exhausts me beyond measure. Just when I begin to think I’ve at least a couple of things figured out, I learn that I know nothing. Each day meets me with more unanswered questions.

I feel like I can scarcely articulate what may be the defining battleground of my life: life of purpose choked by temporal pleasure.

I am not as surrendered as I had imagined. For if I were, I’d not care about the lines of age in my face, wearing new clothes, working for more, checking off goals, conquering in the arena of foolish things, comfort, stability, success. For success solely defined in things and accomplishment, isn’t  really success, is it? I wield my sword, hourly, at the assault of one powerful opponent, Deserve It, charging me. On my backside is yet another powerful foe, Social Demands, squeezing my neck. I continue to fight.

This, my life’s struggle….my life’s work. I’m only beginning to scratch the surface. I have no idea.

“When we start deceiving ourselves into thinking not that we want something or need something, not that it is a pragmatic necessity for us to have it, but that it is a moral imperative that we have it, then is when we join the fashionable madmen, and then is when the thin line of hysteria is heard in the land, and then we are in big trouble.” –Joan Didion

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