Can’t Deep Sleep? How About Deep Thoughts?

Day 175

What is it about insomnia that provokes analysis? I was hoping to save some of that for day 182.5, which is only a week away and marks the halfway point for my sweet little project Shopfast. Perhaps now is a better time. On this day (well, actually I’m into the wee morning hours of day 176), I’m feeling blocked.  I guess you could say, in a language rut, with regard to blog posts. I’ve become somewhat bored with recounting each day’s events and giving a status report. I am momentarily frustrated with my inability to take yesterday’s picture for the 30×30 challenge I’m doing. That makes 2 days I have to catch up on. I tire easily of procedure and protocol, although I appreciate its importance.

One thing of which I rarely tire is personal growth. That’s no secret. Its mentioning is woven throughout several posts on this blog. That being said, instead of focusing today on what I didn’t buy or where I didn’t shop, I’ll share a bit of my gain. To this point, and most importantly, I’ve recaptured my joy….the deep smile. It was lost for a while, if I’m honest. I’ve fallen in love with my husband….again. I’ve played with my children, rather than taking off for the “next thing”. Life has been simplified and properly prioritized due to simple adjustments on my calendar. Learning to say no to some of my shopping habits has enabled me to say no in other areas too. I’ve retired the compulsion have everything look right. I’m learning that living for the sake of  perception is just a fancy way of living a lie. Living my life out-loud on a blog viewed both by people familiar and anonymous has helped me with that. I’ve done some gardening. No. It’s not like you think. More like weeding… in my personal garden….removing thorny spots rooted in my heart, along with associations and activities that weren’t working. I started planting new seed. Rather than mending wounds with the salve of shopping, I’ve actually done some listening…some forgiving….some searching…some changing. I’ve read a few books and paid some debt; cut up credit cards and cut some fat. I’m exercising and sewing….and made 2 new friends in the process. Who could forget my brown skirt? Wait until you see my next piece. It should be finished today!

My core is strengthened, not only by what I practice in Pilates, but what I put into practice spiritually. I’ve learned to eat healthy which inspired  a new tradition of daily meals prepared for my family and shared around our table, in a kitchen nook that rarely hosted its residents. Discipline has increased and desire waned….a bit. 😉 I’m less easily tempted and feel more able to overcome obstacles. Compassion suits me…I’m less likely to criticize; less compelled to make my point. Composure is my new posture.

I appreciate each person who has encouraged me, who has taken even a sliver of interest in this most ambitious goal. Thank you for the continued support as I strut toward the finish line, which in my imagination is a big hot pink and orange striped banner with gold glitter showcased in front of the South Nordstrom entrance reading: “YOUR NEW WARDROBE AWAITS YOU!  SHOP ON WITH YOUR BAD SELF!”

Most of all, I guess I’m just overwhelmed with gratitude; grateful that I paused long enough to listen to the whisper of a heart, longing to break free…yearning to be more than a racing chariot trapped inside the crazy lady sprinting with her shopping bags.

photo courtesy of Tiffani Jones Photography, 2010

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