Day 65 & 66: Items Purchased: 0, Temptation Radar: 0 (no time for fixating on retail wish list)
For a moment today, I became concerned that I may have revealed signs of an issue definitively diagnosed as “Anger Management Disorder”. Headed into day 4 of single-parenting, I was walking around in a chronic state of lock jaw with teeth tightly clinched, creating the most frustrative prose softly under my breath. Thwarted by frustration and obvious lack of patience with my current parenting arrangement, I began to judge myself harshly, “Why are you complaining? They’re YOUR kids! Why are you making your husband feel bad? You need to be less selfish. It’s not someone else’s job to give you a “break” from your kids. Your life could be worse. Pull yourself together!”
Guilt stricken, angered, exhausted and over it, I thought about how others might have responded to this situation.
Oh. My. Gosh.
Hello? Why didn’t I see it before? The answer, perhaps unjustifiable, is still a legitimate reason for my angst: I have no release….no vent, for my frustration! I started reviewing the ways in which many folks deal with problems and realized why I may be struggling…..
I’ve given up most of the tools that would be suitable for coping: I don’t booze anymore, smoke, exercise, meditate, yoga, self-medicate, curse, see a counselor, engage in regular spa therapeutics, and most recently SHOP. Most importantly, I DON’T SHOP.
“Nic’in” for a shop fix? Could it be true? I believe it’s the sole reason for this experiential erratic rage. I’m not suggesting, by any means, interest in adopting the aforementioned activities as a solution. In fact, I’m confident that abandonment of some has given me freedom and peace, while others would help me out. Nevertheless, it’s necessary to acknowledge a variety of methods people engage to “take the edge off” in order for thorough assessment. I began to consider what plans I should have for managing this newfound and not-so-fashionable edginess. Certainly something to think about now that the retail grazing option is most definitely off the table.
Bottom line: Parenting is tough. It just is. Yes, I know things could be worse. I do realize that there are sick, starving, destitute, people in the world with BIG problems, surely more earth-shattering than these complaints. I’m fully aware of the many blessings in my life and most times aim to express daily gratitude. I’m also sensitive to the fact that people tire of hearing others gripe. All that aside, despite my ability to navigate a department store and multi-seasonal wardrobe strategy like an earth-space mission, I really struggle with being a mom. So, it is my hardship. I have great kids. Sweet kids. They are not the challenge. I am. Being faithful in serving a family is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and the only thing of which I’m afraid of failing miserably.
Tonight, if I could fill up my shopping cart it’d be with some patience, a lot of wisdom, a jolt of physical strength, and enhanced vision. I really want to see the joy of this journey, rather than feeling like I’m in over my head. See, we don’t get a re-do with our families. It’s a one shot deal. The investments of time, knowledge, resources, faith…. it all matters and helps shape who they will become. I feel the weight of that responsibility everyday.